ice cube
tonight was the night I nearly passed out from overeating… and a little alcohol overreacting with antihistamines. I was actually in intense physical pain, all this hurt projecting in my gut and throat… I got so lightheaded that my eyes were kaleidoscopes, all static and stars turning patterns for some eternity… thank god I didn’t completely blank. I remember the time I cut my finger and I couldn’t see for an hour cause my blood pressure was too low. I remember thinking I had gone blind. at least I have proof that I can hold myself together, but only when I absolutely have to. now, nestled in my bed, there is no need. i let go, tears for trying so hard, tired of compensating for the weakness of my heart and its failure to send enough blood around to keep me from freezing.
a wish
if ever a next time, no longer straying, staying true, always hate myself for hurting you…
sometimes i just wish i would stop existing, too hard to live knowing
even if i don’t rise again, let me fall until i find the way
i guess i just haven’t found my place in this world yet… and i’ll keep searching until i’m spent. i just want to plant myself in a little me-shaped hole in the earth so i can grow. i’ve had harsher times and i’ve held on to bigger hurt. i only wonder why i put myself at stake. i’ve cast no spells and have no magic, my only crime is wishing i could.
i feel sorry for those who’ve stepped on the ceiling of my heart and fallen through. i forget how weak the walls are. climb out before it caves in and you’ll be alright. i should never have built castles on such unstable ground, but for a second we were up on a spire touching clouds, and i was happy.
i only want to hold on to the good things, and be where i have to be, and be kind, even if that means being weak. i can cry, and the pain will remain, but at least i know i’m keeping a promise to never hurt anyone again. i can live with that because i’ve done enough to hurt, and to regret. now there’s no more of that. i just want to be good, good to, and good for, and good enough - but it doesn’t always mean that anyone’s going to do the same for me. still i must keep smiling and just be, because that’s the best trick i have for now, and no other charm.
sometime
be mine sometime, like you never have before,
like i’ve always wanted, hold my hand
as we explore new worlds, battling dragons and other dangers,
as we dance on clouds and drink the milky way, riding super fresh in the sky.
there’s nothing i’ve wanted more than to be alone with you,
with a nice view, edgeless, no frames, no limits,
and no one else,
and so much space for us to smile, and laugh,
and smile again, happier still,
at what we have and will have,
with no agony at what came before.
for all the torture and time we wade through
to get to shore, there is a perfect cove waiting,
crystal water, warm fire, coastal tides,
toes in sand, and hands tightly clasped under
the clearest view of stars that have aligned, there -
there will be no more excuses not to kiss me again,
and you will,
finally, you will
find these feelings have no expiry date, so
bury your clocks because there’s no better measure of forever,
finally, for every breath, every beat
between two hearts, as you kiss me,
realizing, there could finally be something that lasts
forever, and ever for you,
finally, for me,
with no limits, and no one else,
i could love you forever,
sometime,
like i never have before.
xx fresh out the oven of my heart,
s.
beauty in the eye / duty to your lies
told myself to take baby steps, still the threat of slip and fall stays true.
thought I’d throw off my training wheels, then I came crashing into you.
In less than three months I will have graduated, another chapter of life written, and what do I have to say or prove about that.. Not sure how to begin writing the next, not sure if I’m even ready for life as I should know it. Too many open endings, possibilities, strings untied, buttons undone… Just want to rinse and reset my life. I need new eyes, and I’d like to learn to walk again, with a more sprightly step. And when i am finally capable, I’d like to learn to cycle fast and carefree, less afraid of accidents, confident again, gaining momentum and finally going places.. I may require some assistance, gripping the remnants of me that are still alive by the reins, and telling them to take me somewhere. Sleepless again, staring out at seven morning sky, tracing the half moon as it traverses… I worry that even when i might finally want to be wind (having direction, strength, control, sometimes leaving you cold), I can only ever be as constant as clouds…
us versus them
it’s been a month since i first fell asleep by your side, insides shaking, mind dissolving, fingers learning time through your chest. one week to find you, four more months to get back to you - to have my arms anxious again, mind still devious and wild with ways to keep you. i’ve loved you before i even grew the nerves and veins to tell you. my only wish is that soon this will be no secret… i want to smile and scream at the sea instead of swallowing salt water. i want to ride the waves instead of having my ankles locked to the tide. i am still waiting, but these are small pains knowing that you want me running in your current, forever… i use your lungs, you keep my heart. you fall with me, i drown with you. i love you so very much. i’m no longer afraid of anything, not even losing you. i never will.
calm before
don’t know where the wind will blow or why it brought you. say nothing of terrible timing or circumstance. it’s nature, it happens, and now we’re here. i couldn’t let myself but i want to. i want so badly to stand outside in the storm…
i had a nice time tonight, doing nothing. i’m almost afraid to admit how much i enjoyed it. thank you hurricane, and you haven’t even happened yet. even if this turns out to be a complete disaster i can’t say i’m a stranger to damage.
